A polar bear’s take on the NHL season so far
A lot of people are worried about us polar bears. We appreciate everyone’s concern, we’re worried too. What with the glaciers melting and our hunting season changing because of global warming, but there’s something we care about way more: hockey. All polar bears, with no exceptions, love hockey. No, we’re obsessed with hockey.
We can’t get enough of it! Especially since we have so much in common with hockey players. Battling on the frozen tundra, using our speed to defeat opponents and fighting to solve problems. In fact, I hear Tie Domi was often called “The Polar Bear”*. Needless to say, the whole polar bear community is pretty pumped that hockey is back and in full swing. So here is my assessment, team by team, of how the season has gone so far.
New York Rangers: Despite a couple games where lack of effort spelled defeat, the Rangers have been playing aggressive and exciting hockey to start off the season. Many fans predicted two straight weeks of low-scoring and mediocre play when Marian Gaborik and Chris Drury were both hurt the night of the home opener. But in their absence many players stepped up, none more than the top line of Brandon Dubinsky, Ryan Callahan and Artem Anisimov. At one point Callahan had a 7-game point streak, and Dubinsky leads the team with 10 goals. It seems these young, home-grown players have finally arrived.
Few would argue that goaltender Henrik Lundqvist is the team’s most important player. He is the only NHL goaltender to earn 30-plus wins 5 seasons in a row. However, many worry about “The King’s” workload, and the Rangers finally seem to have found a reliable back-up goaltender in veteran Marty Biron. It’s important to keep Lundqvist healthy and rested, and a steady back-up will only help. With the return of Marian Gaborik to the line-up, the Rangers are set to improve.
New Jersey Devils: SUCK!
New York Islander: SUCK!
Philadelphia Flyers: SUCK!
Pittsburgh Penguins: SUCK!
Boston Bruins: SUCK!
Montreal Canadians: SUCK! (Big time)
Ottawa Senators: SUCK!
Toronto Maple Leafs: SUCK!
Atlanta Thrashers: Totally SUCK!
Carolina Hurricanes: More like the Carolina SUCKICANES
Florida Panthers: SUCK!
Tampa Bay Lightning: SUCK!
Washington Capitols: SUCK!
Chicago Blackhawks: SUCK! (And might be racist)
Columbus Blue Jackets: SUCK!
Detroit Red Wings: SUCK!
Nashville Predators: SUCK!
St. Louis Blues: Have a stupid mascot and also SUCK!
Calgary Flames: SUCK!
Colorado Avalanche: SUCK!
Edmonton Oilers: SUCK!
Minnesota Wild: Easily the stupidest name and mascot in all of sports. What is that? Are you in the woods or a Christmas tree farm? Is there a tornado happening? Are the players themselves wild? This name is too abstract. Oh also, you SUCK!
Vancouver Canucks: SUCK!
Anaheim Ducks: You know what “duck” rhymes with, that’s right SUCK!
Dallas Stars: I haven’t watched enough Dallas Stars game to give an accurate and intelligent assessment.
Los Angeles Kings: SUCK!
Phoenix Coyotes: Are adorable, and also SUCK!
San Jose Sharks: SUCK!
So that’s where the league stands now. Check back soon for more updates.
- Betty the Polar Bear
*Editor’s note. No one has ever called Tie Domi “The Polar Bear.”